I have not written much lately but I haven’t felt like doing much of anything lately. I’m alive and I am very grateful for that but the darkness has taken its toll on me and its starting to show. I feel alive but I’m in this strange waiting place. Trauma is so complicated!
I have been working on this monumental memory. The very worst of its kind. Its caused great anxiety in me lately but I know that these feelings are part of the process of moving through the trauma. My therapist says that I am so hard on my self and she’s right. I sometimes set myself up with unrealistic progress and I am quickly made aware that right now the trauma seems to have the upper hand. I really don’t want to give it that much power but its the only way that I see it right now. Its like the trauma has taken over my life at times and it fills my head with so many terrifying thoughts that it becomes a monster to me.
I am grateful for the therapist that I have because she always has a way or technique that helps me cope with what comes up through the process of EMDR. I’m not going through this all alone, although at times it could feel like that. I am always reminded of the fact that she is there right along with me and I am safe. As time goes by I feel more and more confidence in this process. It works! I now can see myself from the other side just every once in a while and when that happens it feels great. Its like getting a taste of what it will be like once I have put this all behind me. It gives me strength to continue in this most difficult trauma work.