I am caught in a whirlwind.
I’m trying to sort it out.
Please help me find my way into life.
I think that I am locked out.
Strange things are happening.
Twirling and twisting and horrid things.
Please let me in,
to those places you are going.
I am frightened and I think I lost my way.
I can see you.
Can you see me?
Why is it so hard,
to be a part of life.
This is my right.
Tell me what to do.
For my life is lived in pain.
I see that its bright and sunny where you live,
but I only see the rain.
If you look around the corner,
that just might be me.
Perhaps just a shadow,
or of substance I’m not sure.
I am clearly broken.
Straight to the core.
This place you call life,
is there a door?


Feeling Down



I really hate that what I choose or have to do is subject to my mood shifts. My body has gone through a lot lately with the bad infection in my tooth and then the affects of the antibiotic. They have to destroy bad bacteria but they also can kill the good ones leaving me with a war inside my digestive system. I used the pain meds for a while and then your body has to adjust to not having them. I think it effects the serotonin. I know the tramadol does. Anxiety played a role in all this as I dreaded my colonoscopy. They put gas in you so that it is easier for them to see around.  Well eventually that gas has to come back out. It decided to take its time and cause cramping.

All that said, I am still in a low mood. I hate that I really don’t know why. If I knew than maybe I can change whatever it is that is affecting me.

I might feel bad going to therapy tomorrow because I have been down so much lately. I know she won’t judge me for it. But I think in my own head that I should not be so depressed at this point. I honestly do not know if it is a medication problem or if it has something to do with what my body has been put through the last few months or perhaps I need to work on things that have come up and triggered me. I always have so many questions. I know that with somethings there is no answer and I have to learn to be ok with that.

At least I am using some of the skills that I have been taught over the years. Some work well and some not-so-much.

I am sure it will all pass in time and I will feel better soon. I have a lot of exciting things coming up in my life and I want to enjoy them.



The Dreaded Procedure

thQ04MOD1D The best time that I had after my colonoscopy……Dinnertime

Lets face it, not one of us likes those personal, embarrassing and probing procedures that we all have to go through whether we like it or not….usually not!  I have to say that a colonoscopy is the worst for me. The last time that I had it done I had to mix up this really gross drink in a gallon jug. It was Gatorade and a laxative and I remember the difficulty getting it all down and keeping it down. But I got through that. This time it was a by prescription only mixture called Suprep. I almost didn’t get it in time because they called it into our pharmacy a month before the procedure and we forgot about it. So not realizing that it was only by prescription, I called the GI Center the day before and asked them what I was supposed to buy to prepare for the procedure. Of course I got a bit of a scolding as if I was a child, at least that is what it felt like, and she said she would call it into  our pharmacy. Well apparently someone on their end forgot to call it in. My husband left work and went straight to the pharmacy only to be told that it was not called in and that he would have to wait. The pharmacist finally got the go ahead from the GI Center to fill it but there was another problem. The insurance company said they would not pay for that brand. My poor husband, he was already stressed from working and the usual crazy rush hour traffic on the Berlin Turnpike and he knew that he had to get this to me by five because I needed to start it then in order to be ready for my appointment the next day. Thankfully the pharmacist called the GI Center and they were able to supply a sample box. But there was another problem because it was already 4:30 and he was an hour away from the GI Center. So my husband calls me up and asks me to go get it but I had been painting a room all day and was covered in blue paint. I needed a shower and I had to clean up my mess.  It was very possible that if I chose to leave the mess and go there that I might find little blue paw prints all over my house when I got home.  So I called my husband back and told him my dilemma and that he would have to go because I would never make it in time after showering and cleaning up. Well he was not too happy but he said, “ok”. Then the GI Center called me and asked when my husband would be coming because they were about to close.  He finally made it there in time to pick it up and get home so that I can take it.  It was only ten minutes past five so once again my hero of a husband came through for me.

Well then came the dreaded time to drink what I had to drink to get ready. This was very different from the last time. It came in a box with two bottles and a 16 oz cup. One bottle was for the night before the procedure and the other one was to be taken in the morning.  So I followed the directions on the box very carefully. I had to pour one bottle into the cup that they provided and mix it to the correct line with water. It did not smell so nice so I figured that it must taste bad too. I managed to get the cup down and then the box instructed me to drink two more 16 oz containers of water. Now I am not a water person so this was really hard for me. Having not eaten that whole day together with the fact that I was very anxious about the procedure, my stomach was already not feeling well and when I began drinking it I felt even worse. The taste was horrendous. I did get that whole cup down and starting drinking the additional water and it almost came back up. If that had happened, I would have had to cancel my appointment and I would have to reschedule and do this all again. Thankfully, I was able to keep it down. When the medicine did its thing and I was squeaky clean inside I decided to go to bed early in hopes that I would not have to think about it anymore until morning. When morning came I drank that dreaded second bottle and the two more glasses of water.  I kept them down and tried my best to kill time before it was time to go. I knew from the last time that I had this done that the worst part of it all is the drinking and frequent bathroom trips.  Once all that was past and it was time for the procedure I was fine, (sort of). I knew that there were risks with colonoscopy but they are very rare.  The problem with me is that I knew a friend who had a rupture and almost bleed to death. It is really scary to know that you put your life in doctors hands and they are only human and are subject to mistakes.  The whole staff was really nice and informative. They joked and made me feel relaxed and of course my husband was there as well. I somehow calmed down from my fears and anxiety and felt like I was in good hands. I woke up from the procedure as if I had just been put out. It happens so fast. I got really good news from the doctor. He said everything looked great and no polyps. The second great news was that I did not have to come back for another ten years.

We had to pick up a few groceries on the way home and my husband said why don’t you just stay in the car and rest. I should have listened. I wasn’t exactly walking a straight line. I was still a little sleepy and weak. My husband laughs and says, “maybe you should hold onto the cart for support but just don’t hit anyone”. I made it through that adventure as well.  My dear husband realized how hungry I was and took me out for a sandwich.  When we got home I ate like I had been starving for weeks and then fell asleep.



P.S. The doctor told me he gave me some pictures of my insides along with my paperwork. I thought he was joking. He said, “oh ok, if you don’t want them than they will just leave them out of your paper work”,  and then he laughed.


Actually they were kind of cool to look at but I wouldn’t put them on facebook!



Its Out



I went this afternoon to get my tooth pulled. We got everything  sorted out with the insurance and 1-2-3-4 the tooth was no more. It came out quick which made those painful novocaine shots worth it. (OOOOOH they hurt so bad) The dentist wasn’t  sure that I was even breathing . He just kept on saying, “Breathe Linda breathe…..are breathing?” I  was actually holding my breath because I somehow though it wouldn’t hurt so bad. I was so wrong. So I got home and took my pain meds and ate a soft dinner and now its computer time. But I am very sleepy so I might just konk out instead.  I wish happy dreams for all tonight.      zzzz



The Tooth


I really appreciate all those moments when I am not in pain. I know that I have written about this before but this is the continuing saga” of the tooth” I have made  multiple attempts to get seen by the oral surgeons that my dentist refered me to. My  dentist warned me to not wait too long. Well my problem is that the first appointment that I had with them failed because I lost my keys, yes I really did misplace my keys. The second attempt brought me a little closer to actually getting there. I was so excited to finally rid myself of this tiny little thing that caused me so much pain. Well I thought to use my GPS but did not for I knew my way around most of this town except where the oral surgeons office is. That was my first mistake.  I found the street that the place was on but I  could not find the number or building of this office. At one point I thought that I had found it but it was a regular doctors office. I asked them if they knew where the surgeons office was but they said that they never heard of him. I was confused because others must have made the same mistake also because this place was so hard to find. I had the address with me so how is it that I can’t find them. Well given the fact that I have generalized anxiety disorder and had forgotten to take my meds that day I was so frazzled and angry with myself I gave up and turned around and headed for home. I actually have a phobia of getting lost (story for another time).  I did not want to get lost in the state that I was in. I got home and waited to calm down a little and then I called their office to let them know that I would not be there and why. The woman who I talked to was rude and would not accept my explanation. She commented, “well why didn’t you call me from your cell”. Well I could have lied and said that I did not have it and that I must have left it home but I was honest with her and said that I didn’t even think to do that. I wasn’t about to tell her that I had an anxiety disorder because she did not need to know that I had this disorder. I must have sounded like a dits to her. I didn’t care because all that I knew was that I was home and safe.

Well thankfully she made a new appointment with me and that was good and I was grateful despite the embarrassment.

I had an appointment with my regular dentist and set out to go there. I got there and the receptionist laughed at me and said, “Linda you don’t have an appointment until next month. Ok so, I laughed at it too but when I had gotten home I again I felt like an idiot. But a few hours later I had gotten a call from the surgeons office asking why I had missed my appointment.  I said to myself, ” ARE YOU STINKING KIDDING ME!  I had apparently switched the appointments and went to the wrong place. So as frustrated as I already was I asked them to schedule another appointment for me but they could not and would not make another appointment because it is their policy that when you miss two consecutive appointments with them, they will not reschedule. I wanted to cry right then and there because I was extremely frustrated. I understand what she was saying but the unfortunate events that occurred really did happen. In her mind I would guess that she did not believe me.

Well I did not listen to my dentists advice to not let it go too long before I have the tooth pulled.

I started to have more pain and a little swelling. I made a third attempt at making an appointment with the oral surgeon but again she said I am sorry but  its the company policy.

Well I called my dentist office to tell him of the swelling and pain and he said that I could not wait any longer and so he gave me a referral to a different place. I thought to myself, that is  great I was finally going to get this tooth taken care of.  Yah right……….they could not see me until they got approval from the insurance company and also how much they would pay and how much was my responsiblity.  That makes sense right? But when they went to my insurance company to get approval the company said that there was no one there under that name. ( Really………….. )  So I got online and put my user name and password in to find out for myself because this does not make any sense. I could not get in with my user name and password. It did not recognize me as being a member.   (Really…………..)  So I called the insurance company and was put on hold and I waited and waited and then the phone went dead. They hung up on me. Being so frustrated with them and about to cry, I waited until my husband got home and hoped that we could figure it out together.

We made another attempt to get in and then tried his login for his account and he got in no problem and from there he found my account claims and payments, so clearly I am covered. It was really strange. I called the surgeons office back and told them what we had found out and so she tried again and reported back to me that she was on the phone for an hour with them and was transferred from person to person with no results. Well it turns out the reason that the dental/vision part of our insurance would not show up was that theirs is separate and you have to call a different number. Now why couldn’t the medical side of insurance tell her that and give her the number.   She just kept giving me the run around. I think she really did try but she was just as frustrated with them as I was. This is a big name insurance company.( Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Shield.) You would have thought that they knew what to do to help her. So she called me back and asked if I had a different card for dental.

I did not have a card because apparently…. I lost it. I had, while on the phone with her, completely emptied my purse and I emptied every card in my wallet with no success and what a mess my table was! Its like whatever could go wrong did go wrong.

I called my husband at work and asked him to text me a picture of his card and so he did and I pulled the number from his card and gave it to the receptionist at the doctor’s office. I waited patiently for her to call back with good news.  She, ” said I have good news and bad news.” ” The good news is that I finally got to talk to the right place but could not get approval as they said that you have no more coverage left for this year and we have to tell you ahead of time that if we schedule an appointment with you,  you would be responsible for the cost of the visit upfront before anything is done which just so happens to be 500.00″.  I knew that could not be right. So I had my husband call and he talked to a guy who said, “I don’t know who she talked to but your wife still has $460.00 left of coverage for this year.  The receptionist told me that they would not be in the next day which happened to be a Friday. I had to wait through the weekend to get any further with this issue. Well by now my pain had increased. On a scale of 0-10 it was a 9 and my face began to swell up more and more. My husband suggested to go to our primary doctors after-hours treatment and be seen in hopes of getting put on an antibiotic. It was that or the emergency room. The doctor who saw me said, “what happened to you” . Just joking around she turned to my husband and said, ” did you do this” . My husband laughed and said nope, “this wasn’t my fault”. I explained my story and she said that you immediately need to be put on an antibiotic . She could clearly see that the infection from the tooth was spreading.  She said, ” you must have that tooth pulled right away”.  She gave me pain meds, (only 5 vicotin as that is all she was allowed), and sent me on my way.

So here I am writing this post with half the pain gone because I could only take 1/2 the tab to make it last until Monday. I was about to pull it myself! My face feels so strange and hurts if I touch anywhere on the right side of my face. I knew that I had an issue with eye bags but not that bad. I really did look like someone had punched me in the face.


I will post more when I actually get an appointment to get this tooth once-and-for-all pulled…


P.S.      I was told so many times that if you let a tooth infection or abscess go too long that it could go to you brain and then your dead.  I asked the doctor at my primary docs office and she said, “well have you got any cracks in your skull or did you break you nose? If not then there is no way for it to get to your brain”. I found that interesting and I was a little more relieved that this tooth would not kill me.