I have been through so many psychiatrists and therapists over the years. We are talking decades here. Some good and some not so good and some excellent. I just lost a really good psychiatrist. They told me a new one was coming to take her place and so I waited. They told me that it would be about a month for him to get settled in and to call at the end of the month to schedule an appointment. Well a month went by and he still was not there. Finally I get the news that he is not coming at all. I heard he was really nice too. I played around with the idea of going to a doctor that I had in the hospital in the past and looked him up. He is super nice. He is now in private practice. I changed my mind and I decided to use one of the other doctors in the same office as my former doctor. I know him very well. I don’t really care for the way he does things or his manner but I figured that I only see him once a month so it’s not going to kill me to stay with him. Well, I had my first appointment with him and he started seeming very friendly and joking a little and making good eye contact, which seems to be a problem for him, then he swiveled his chair around to look at his computer screen as I was talking. So I figured I would wait until he turned around. He wondered why I stopped talking and said, “go ahead say what you were going to say”, but he did not turn around. I did not at all means for this to come out the way that it did but I said without thinking, “I am not going to talk to the back of your bald head”. I know that was rude of me right? I should ask you the reader who was really the rude one. I should have left the bald part out, that was rude of me! It just slipped out, you know like when you usually think something inside your head but it comes out spontaneously and you didn’t really mean for it too.
I will wait it out and give him some time but if I am not happy there than I will have to find another. It is so hard on me and I know it is hard on many others as well, when you get use to someone and they retire or move and you have to change your therapist or doctor. Oh well that’s life!
P.S. I still have my wonderful therapist! I am not giving her up without a fight!
What do I do with that space. Its white and its there but I think it has been erased. What was it for, this space? I will give it sometime to let me know why it is there and what to do with it. Its clean and its bright! There are so many possibilities to use this space. Was it given to me or was it given to you? Perhaps we both have this white space. It’s so clean so if I use it I don’t want to make a mistake and have to erase this important space.
I know, it’s telling me to write and to keep writing because I can never, never, ever, run out of space.
As I reached for you,
with childish cries,
I felt a lift and hug and smile.
Comfort was there,
for just a while.
I laid my head upon your shoulders,
with complete trust.
I looked to you for,
love and care.
You answered back,
with attention shared.
Did pain reside in your heart,
but just remained disguised.
A character within your core,
kept hidden in your deepest part?
Was I born to this evil plan,
that was to inflict my life?
I knew not enough about the world.
But I believed it was safe.
Did you know of the monster,
that resided inside you?
Like a ticking clock,
the time would come,
that my whole world would change.
All the good you gave was erased,
by the strange look upon your face.
How fast trust can be shattered.
How fast love turned into pain.
You are my father,
but there is a monster inside you.
I no longer feel safe to reach my arms up for a lift,
or to rest my head upon safe shoulders.
I could no longer look to you
for love and care.
Because now you answer back,
with a heart that’s bare.
What did I do,
to reach that character within your core,
and tap that deepest part?
It was this evil part,
the one that stole you from me.
I could wish and wish for a brand new start,
but now I am shattered and empty,
and left with a broken heart.
She knew that she was different. But different could never be explained in words. She has often tried to tell others who just look at her in a confused or objectionable manner, like, “oh really”. Its hurtful. She searches for someone who understands but she is left lonely in her thoughts and strangely unique feelings. The thoughts can always be explained and judged by the listener. However, the listener can not sense or know or feel the same way. She has wondered all her life why she is this way. She has asked herself, “was I born this way and are there others like me who just want to be understood and treasured for this unique gift?”
It feels like shifting into a surreal state but there is perfect control over this odd but breathtaking environment. Entering it is not deliberate. It happens every so often that she is carried away into a feeling and that feeling has colors and sounds and thoughts. She is left in this moment in time for how ever long it takes to experience these things. She can call upon it at will but it is usually by accident. It could be a scent or a light breeze blowing through the window and caught in the lift of her white lace curtain on a beautiful sunny day. As it reaches her and is felt, the breeze begins to tell her a story. It may be a moment long. But it crosses ages of time. “How is it possible to feel that way”, she wonders. “If I told anyone one about this they would surely lock me up, but I am not crazy and I know that I am not alone in this experience.” She remains silent about it and she just enjoys this amazing burst of surrealism. It often feels euphoric in a way that can’t be put into words. She just enjoys it. After all, it doesn’t hurt anyone to have a wonderful secret.
Now that things have calmed down I can now think straight without all those racing thoughts. This happens when there is too much going on in my life whether it be concerns for my family or too cluttered a calendar of events. I think the latter is the worst. I am used to getting an invite and writing it on the calendar, then I become so overwhelmed at the very thought of leaving the house to go there and the imminent anxiety that I will experience while I’m there, so then I end up talking myself out of it. This has been going on for years. Just what am I so afraid of? That’s the million dollar question. If I found the answer I would rather enjoy the solution than a million dollars. I feel that being comfortable with myself and really enjoying my life without fears is priceless.
I found through experience, that if a person dwells too much on what is wrong in their life than this person is missing out on the potential and excitement of the rest of their life as it unfolds. I don’t want thinking negative all the time to steal my life. I am working really hard in therapy so that it does not happen.
I will be tested this weekend because a family event is coming up on Saturday. So the question to me and others that know me and behavior, will I actually go.
On a happier note my living room and kitchen (open concept) are going to have a face lift. The walls are a very light almost robins egg blue. We are getting a new living room set, flooring and big screen TV. This will make a huge difference in how I feel spending time there. I seem to spend too much time there as I mentioned above. My life needs a face-lift too. I need to step out of my comfort zone to go to invites and also to entertain guest at my house. I have not done that in a very long time.
The eclipse just marked this day as a special day. But the eclipse is only a small part of my day and only takes a small place in my brain. But if I use the eclipse as a metaphor it can own a bigger part of my brain. I feel like there is something covering over my life. It does not look or feel or sound the way that it is supposed to. I am working on how I’ve been feeling in therapy because I do not want this feeling of down to continue. I trust my therapist that she knows what is best for me to work on. Sometimes if feels like I am resistant to do the work I need to do to rid my body of this negative energy and memories that keeps coming up. I feel like my mood is in the cellar of my body right now….
P.S. I am not going to let it stay there I am going to do what ever it takes to move through it and be lifted up and out of this state of existence. I have a life to live.