Thank you! “Rachel” Just in case you are reading my blog, I wanted you to know!
Thank you! “Rachel” Just in case you are reading my blog, I wanted you to know!
I am ending IOP once again. I allowed myself to be pulled down and into the past suffering. Yes, I am working on my trauma with my therapist and some of this is to be expected. How long though, do I have to stay in it. If I feel stuck in it, why do I have to stay stuck? But that is what I am doing. I have been allowing myself to muddle through the pain for far to long. Its over and it can not hurt me now. I have tackled that monumental childhood memory that I was afraid of for so long. In fact, I truly believed that I could not and should not ever go there and especially not verbally share it with anyone. Maybe I some how thought that talking about it would bring it to life again. Well that’s what it did in a sense but not literally for it is over and can no longer hurt me. That is the work of EMDR and I knew it would happen sooner or later. I am glad that I finally got it out of me and that someone heard and validated what I went through in such a kind and gentle way. Even before I ever began to think about working on it, I knew that she was the “one” to go through it with me and she would always say in a very nurturing manner, “You are not alone I am going on this journey with you. It was one of the most reassuring things that has ever been told to me. I believe her because she has proven herself over and over. Like I said if I ever come close to talking about that memory, she would be the one to hear it. Only one person needs to hear and she did, so I now know that I don’t ever have to go there again. I now feel more free since releasing it all and not just the word’s but those powerful emotions that have been held very tightly inside my body for so very long. I felt the lightness from releasing it. I no longer feel that I carry that burden that was imprisoned inside me eating away at any potential that I might have had. Well, now it can no longer do that. I now have no excuse for holding myself back from my potential and my dreams. It’s never too late to have a happy life! I want no more hospitalizations or programs that keep me perpetually lost all the time. I can now see a future and I can now see and understand that I was not to blame for those things that happened to me or the length of time it took to recover from it. I am not that speck of dust that I thought that I was. I am much larger as I did not continue the cycle of abuse, Instead I broke it and I am proud of that!
There is still more work to do, but I now have more strength in me to conquer what ever comes up. I don’t have to wait to live my life anymore because I can finally move without the sting from triggers of my past.
Is it selfishness, laziness or apathy that prevents us from seeing how our reactions impact our children?
Every generation seems to leave a mark on the next generation. It’s like a bread pan with a dent in it. If you keep using that pan for bread that dent is always going to be there on all future loaves of bread.
Make a change
Start a new framework for your family.
Take your pain and make a change!
Take a step back in time when you were a child.
Look behind and learn from your parents mistakes.
These were mistakes that their parents made.
We should want the best for our children, but we go on unaware of any impact we may have on our children. The pain that we feel has been branded into our brain, but we cannot seem to access it enough to make a change. We react the way our parents reacted. It becomes like a reflex. It often happens without thinking. Do you slap a child and then step back and say, ” why did I do that?”. It happens that fast.
It’s just one split second in- time reaction that can detrimentally affect your children and their future children. That”s all it takes. Where does it stop?When does it stop? How does it stop?
Before you react onto your child what was done to you picture a bright red stop sign.
Make a decision to change for the sake of a child!
My sister is amazing in every way. She is my true Hero in life. It is her strength of spirit and will that never ceases to amaze me. Her strength had enabled me to carry on despite what was going on in our childhood.
Let me tell you a little story. When she was about eight and I was five we were in the same school together. I was in kindergarten and she was in third grade. Well, she was out at recess walking around and became disoriented. She wandered off and no one knew that she was even missing until recess was over and the kids were all called to line up. They found her in the woods by the school. She hadn’t gotten that far away so thank goodness they found her in time. They approached her and tried to get her to go with them and she would not move. It was like she was terrified to move. They did not know what was wrong with her at that time so they were very confused as to why she was there. The only thing that they thought to do was to come and get me out of my class and see if she would go with me. I didn’t even understand what was going on. Hey, I was only five. They led me to her and I approached her and said, “Kim what’s wrong?. She would not answer. She did not talk. I simply said, “well come on let’s go back to the school”, and I took her hand and she began to walk with me. I don’t even think she knew at that time what was happening to her. They were all happy that she got back to the safety of the school. They called for my parents to come and pick her up. I remember being very worried about her and it was hard to focus in school for the rest of the day.
I finally found out what was wrong. She was slowly losing her eyesight. How terrifying that must have been for her. She eventually went completely blind due to a genetic disease of the retina of the eye which causes a gradual deterioration of the retina. So gradually she began losing her sight. She went through so many emotions before she got to the point of accepting that she was going blind. She was very angry and hard to control in the beginning. It was a huge challenge for my parents. She would not cooperate with anyone. Gradually over a few years, her moods stabilized and then they knew that they could start working with her to help her learn how to manage without her sight.
She ended up going to school in Hartford. It was Oak Hill School for the Blind. I heard it’s much different now and includes children with other disabilities. I think they even work with disabled adults also. She remained in that school for 21 years learning all kinds of life skills including how to read and write in braille. It’s funny, she tried to teach me braille but I just couldn’t get it. To me, it just felt like a bunch of clustered raised dots but to her, it was letters that formed words and sentences that opened a whole new world for her. She loved to read. She had her own braille writer and so she could keep a journal about her feelings. She often wrote her own stories. They were very entertaining.
I am so glad that she was away from home most of her childhood because I knew that at least she would be safe from all that was happening at home. At least one of us siblings got to be safe and to have enough food and clothing and toys. I was glad for that. She would go by the Gray-Hound Bus to Hartford every Sunday and stay all week and then come home for the weekend. I hated that she was away so much because I missed having her there in our room. I felt all alone without her most of the time and that in-of-itself made me an easy target for my Dad to abuse me. But I’ll say it again, at least she was safe.
When she was home my Mom always put me in charge of her when we went outside to play. I loved my sister and I understood what my mom needed from me but I was three years younger than her and to be given such a big responsibility was not right. But I did the best that I could. There were times that I just wanted to play and not worry that she could get hurt. I was just a little girl and I did not have the reasoning of an adult so there were times that I resented it.
Kim became the poster child for the Institute for the Blind. A really cute picture of her sitting on Santa Clauses lap got in newspapers all over the country. People mailed us clippings from various other states. Some were actually distant family and some were just people who were moved by her story and that adorable picture of her. I was so proud to be her sister. It’s like we had a celebrity in our house. There were times however that I was a little jealous because for that period of time it seemed that she got so much attention and I felt invisible. As I became an adult, of course, I could see how important that was for in helping her feel a sense of pride despite her disability. I do feel bad now that I was jealous of her.
I know that this is going to sound really strange but as a child, I actually had this crazy idea that I would try to make myself go blind. I stared at a light bulb until my eyes burned but it did not work. I went outside and tried to stare at the sun for as long as I could but it just burned my eyes too much. Then I thought to press on my eyes as hard as I could. Thank goodness nothing worked. Why did I do this? Simply through a child’s mind and sense of survival, I knew that my sister was safe and my father could not molest her. I just wanted to be safe also. I was willing to lose my sight to be safe. I was just a child and had no idea of the seriousness of my attempt to destroy my sight. Well enough of me.
Let’s get back to Kim. Through the years she has had many accomplishments. She has done things that no one would guess that a blind person could do. After her acceptance of her disability, she did not let anything stand in her way of finding joy and adventure in her life. She has traveled. She won many ribbons and trophies in the Special Olympics. Most ribbons were from swimming. She has learned so well over the years to adapt to her handicap and find her way in the world. All of her others senses were so keen and sharp she used these finely tuned senses to help herself get around safely. This was truly amazing to me. She now lives in a supervised house. It’s her house but twice a day someone comes to check on her to see that all is alright and if she needs anything. Otherwise, she is very independent. How could I not be proud that she is my sister? I have always looked up to her and admired her strength and will to go on and make a life for herself. I admire her perseverance and courage.
What more can I ask for in a sister? She is a truly amazing woman!
“I LOVE YOU KIM”
I chose to reblog this in honor of April being” Child Abuse Awareness” month.
I don’t like being in this place and yet I find myself here again. I feel lost….I feel scared….I feel overwhelmed. This is, as Dr. Sues puts it, “the waiting place”. I’ve been here before and I will be here again.
I’m in IOP (Intensive Out-Patient Program) again. At this particular point in time, I’ve been working on the most difficult trauma memory of my childhood. It’s like ok, I opened up about it, but it’s now all opened up. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to say or where to go and being in this place is so scary and filled with nothingness and yet everything and I can’t breathe so then now what? Because thinking will have to make me feel emotions and I don’t think that I can handle the emotions that have been trapped for decades.
I know I will move through this. I know that I want to with all my heart and might. I need direction in the in-between time.
I am truly in the, “waiting place”.