Maybe just maybe

I though that I was going to have to come up with the money for the puppy. It would take me quite some time coming up with the money and the things I will need for the puppy. It’s very expensive to get a pure breed golden retriever. I was talking to two of my daughters who just happen to live just down the street from me. My daughter, Amy, agreed to help me out with the expense. This morning, Amy texted me and said, “Jasmine and I will see if we can find one for you. I swear the little girl in me leaped higher than my ceiling. No joke we have low ceilings. But for the first time since all the stress over trying to figure out what to do, I felt relief and calmness come over me.

I have the best daughters in the world. I don’t know  what I did to deserve how special they are but I am forever grateful to have them in my life. All four of them.

Sometimes just a few carefully placed words have more power than ten pages of writing.

I will sleep well tonight.

 

Linda

Highly sensitive, Highly Creative

imagination

 

There are many challenges for people who are highly sensitive.

(1) Personality

(2) Emotional capacity and challenges

(3) The ability to thrive with High Sensitivity

(4) The ability to function well in social situations.

(5) The challenges that come with high creativity and using it to the full.

These are not just challenges of a highly sensitive person, or as some have put it, “a curse” but these are also gifts!

I don’t think that you could put a number on the gifts of highly sensitive people nor would you be able to put a number on the challages of highly sensitive people. Just like snowflakes we are all different and the gifts that come from one highly sensitive person may be different than another. There also may be varing degress much like autism has a full spectrum or degrees.

One thing is for certain and that is life is not always as easy for a person with high sensitiy but the gifts they have can be very rewarded to not only themselves but others who enjoy the results of these gifts.

One of the prominent advantages of high sensitivity is the richness of sensory detail that life provides.
The subtle shades of texture in clothing, and foods when cooking, the sounds of music or even traffic or people talking, fragrances and colors of nature.
All of these may be more intense for highly sensitive people.
Of course, people are not simply “sensitive” or “not sensitive” – like other qualities and traits, it’s a matter of degree.

The trait of high sensitivity also includes a strong tendency to be much more aware about life and aware of nuances in meaning, and to be more cautious about taking action, and to more carefully consider options and possible outcomes.
We also tend to be more aware of our inner emotional states, which can make for richer and more profound creative work as writers, musicians, actors or other artists.
A greater response to pain, discomfort, and physical experience can mean sensitive people have the potential, at least, to take better care of their health.
Psychologist Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, estimates about twenty percent of people are highly sensitive, and seventy percent of those are introverted, which is a trait that can also encourage creativity.
As examples, there are many actors who say they are shy, and director Kathryn Bigelow, who won an Academy Award, has said, “I’m kind of very shy by nature.”
The star of her movie The Hurt Locker, Jeremy Renner (who was reportedly shy as a child) has commented that “in social situations she can be painfully shy.”
High sensitivity to other people’s emotions can be a powerful asset for teachers, managers, therapists and others.
~ ~ ~
2) And, if you had to name five curses, what would they be? And how best do we overcome them or co-exist with them?
The biggest challenge in high sensitivity is probably being vulnerable to sensory or emotional overwhelm.
Taking in and processing so much information from both inner and outer worlds can be “too much” at times and result in more pain, fatigue, stress, anxiety and other reactions.
An intriguing neuroscience research study I came across that may explain some of this said people with nervous systems having decreased latent inhibition are more open to incoming stimuli. Which can be a good thing, or not so good.
Actor Amy Brenneman once commented, “I’m too sensitive to watch most of the reality shows. It’s so painful for me.”
That kind of pain or discomfort can mean we don’t choose to experience some things that might actually be fun or enriching. Though I don’t mean reality shows.
Another aspect of sensitivity can be reacting to the emotions – and perhaps thoughts – of others. Being in the vicinity of angry people, for example, can be more distressing.
We may need to “retreat” and emotionally “refresh” ourselves at times that are not always best for our goals or personal growth. For example, being at a professional development conference, it may not be the most helpful thing to leave a long presentation or workshop in order to recuperate from the emotional intensity of the crowd.
There can also be qualities of thinking or analyzing that lead to unhealthy perfectionism, or stressful responses to objects, people or situations that are “too much” or “wrong” for our sensitivities.
Living in a culture that devalues sensitivity and introversion as much as the U.S. means there are many pressures to be “normal” – meaning extraverted, sociable and outgoing.
Psychologist Ted Zeff, author of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide, points out that other cultures, such as Thailand, have different attitudes, with a strong appreciation of sensitive or introverted people.
Jenna Avery, a “life coach for sensitive souls,” counsels people to accept or even pursue being “out of sync” with mainstream society, and be aware of other’s judgments of people as too sensitive, too emotional, or too dramati
Certainly there are extremes of emotions that are considered mood disorders, for example, and should be dealt with as a health challenge.
But “too emotional” or “too sensitive” are usually criticisms based on majority behavior and standards.
Overall, I think being highly sensitive is a trait we can embrace and use to be more creative and aware. But it demands taking care to live strategically, even outside popular values, to avoid overwhelm so we can better nurture our abilities and creative talents.

Of course, being creative is not limited to people identified as artists, or just those who are pursuing creative ventures. Both creativity and being sensitive are on a spectrum – a range of different levels.
Psychologist Elaine Aron declares, “I know ALL HSPs are creative, by definition. Many have squashed their creativity because of their low self-esteem; many more had it squashed for them, before they could ever know about. But we all have it…One of the best ways to make life meaningful for an HSP is to use that creativity.”

The Puppy Issue

Aren’t they so cute…………

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I am up early. I was up since 4:30. Usually I am not awake when my husband gets ready for work. I guess it is because I have too much on my mind. I have therapy this morning at 9:00. I am always a little anxious  going there. I like my therapist a lot. But I am still getting to know her. She is still getting to know me. I think she doesn’t quite believe that I can handle going back to the past and the trauma. I know that she just wants to be sure before we do go there. We have been talking a lot about coping skills. DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy) is got the skills that I have learned over the years in therapy. I have a serenity room that I can go at home to help me with a difficult session. The room is full of my favorite things, colors, collectables. But there are also candles and soft relaxation music. It’s the brightest room in the house. It gets the sun all day. Its decorated to be cheerful.

As far as the puppy issue goes, my husband and I had a long talk last night about it. That’s why I am so tired this morning. We stayed up late trying to figure out how to come up with the money to purchase the puppy. I hate how that sounds. Purchase a puppy. That’s ridiculous because puppy’s are a living breathing animal. How and why do people even put a price on dogs or cats. We don’t put a price on babies. They are  priceless. Animals should be priceless as well. But that’s not the real world and I have to go along with how things are in order to get a puppy.

We decided that I would take the money that I earn to save until I come up with enough for the puppy and all that goes along with having a puppy. You know, the crate, bed, toys, collar and leach. It should not take me that long as I found some prices for golden’s that are only 450.00. So if I want my puppy I need to buckle down and save my money. I am not very good at that. So if I accomplish this, getting the puppy is not the only reward. I will have proven that I can save money successfully.

I am excited.

Linda

No puppy

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My husband comes home from work and walks around me without saying anything. I assume he thinks that I am still angry at him for yesterday. The truth is that I am not angry with him. But I didn’t tell him that. He looked a long time at me and asked, “are you having one of your bad days?” Really “one of my bad days?” That’s just as bad as “did you take your meds today”. No, I told him no. I said to him, “don’t I have the right to be sad about this for awhile”? After all you did say that I could have a puppy and then took it back. I think I’m being really nice by saying that I am just sad. I really am very sad and I definitely wanted him to know that. I guess I am being like a spoiled little kid but I really wanted my golden retriever puppy. If I get one it’s not going to be until next year. I wondered did he change his mind when he said that I could get one or was he lying  to me all along. No, my husband is not a liar. I believe that he thought he would be able to get me one right after vacation but we spent way too much money on vacation. He just couldn’t see 2,000 for a puppy in the budget for awhile.

I am trying so hard to understand and be a grown-up about this but I don’t want to. I just want to be sad. I am not treating him badly. I am just not that conversational right now and I don’t think he likes it very much. I think he feels a little guilty for making a promise that he could not keep.

I have got to say though, he worries about me. I should just be grateful that I am so loved. I am very grateful but I still want to stay sad for a while.

Ok I will stop winning now.

Linda

Disappointment

 

 

Did you ever have that one thing that you wanted or wanted to happen and you put all your emotion and time into trying to make it happen? I did just that. I never learn when it comes to believing that anything can happen if you just want it bad enough. Like as if all the energy that you put into has power. But it is that magical thinking that kids have. I guess there are parts of me that did not mature when I grew up. I don’t handle disappointments very well. They tend to block out anything else important. There is just this drive to achieve the end result, the thing that I wanted to happen. Everyone says to live your dreams but some dreams are not meant to be. If they are to happen in the future, much like a child thinks, for me it seems like forever.

Ok I will get to the point. I have been wishing for this for my whole life. My husband always got his way when it came to picking out a dog. Yes, it’s about a dog. I know to anyone reading, my emotions connected to this seem exaggerated and lame.  It’s not lame believe me. I am one of those people who take things to heart a little more than most. To some a disappointment might seem hard in the moment but for me it becomes the biggest thing in my life. It becomes so painful to me if what I want or have dreamt all my life does not happen or won’t happen for the foreseeable future.

I have always loved golden retrievers. I think they are beautiful, intelligent and loving. I always knew this about them because I remember them from my childhood. I remember how they made me feel. They made me feel safe and loved and cared about. The things that parents are supposed to do or be for their children. It’s amazing to me that the senses on these dogs are so strong and they are so intuitive. They seem to know without being told or taught how to comfort someone in need. I have always wanted my parents to get a golden instead of the Shepard’s they always got. There is nothing wrong with German Shepard’s but my dad was not very good to them and they always turned out aggressive. My father had a tendency to be selfish and not take into consideration what other family members think or want in a dog. In fact my father is the reason why I need a PTSD dog.

Well, I am not a kid anymore and I thought that I could have a golden retriever now because I am an adult who can make up my own mind if and what type of dog to choose.  Because of their calming manner and their ability to notice even subtle changes in the human body,  they are trained as service dogs.  They know how to react in order to help those with needs. Given the fact that I have PTSD I thought what a perfect way to get the dog that I have always wanted and to have him serve my medical needs as well. I am not at all like my dad. I am very kind to animals. I have a cat named Max who is awesome. If I were to get a golden I would give it all the love and attention that these or any dogs needs. I have four beautiful daughters. Raising them was the best time of my life. They brought me so much joy despite what I went through as a child. I would put the same love and care into any animal just like I did with my girls. I have a big back yard too. So my future golden retriever will have plenty of room to grow and play. I want a female because we have always had male dogs and I want to know what it is like to raise a female. I want to name her Maise. See I have dreaming for a long time. I know what I want and I know what I need.

My husband said awhile back that I could have a golden retriever puppy to raise and to train for my service dog. He means well but sometimes leads me on to believe that he will get me the dog. He is strapped financially right now so he can’t help get me one. I am on disability so I can’t afford to buy one. I can’t even seem to find a one year old rescue for free. Dogs are so expensive now. To get a good akc registered pure breed we are talking about thousands of dollars. I have had a few chances at a puppy for under a thousand but neither my husband or I had even that much money. My husband is not giving me a hard time about. I don’t want anyone to think that. But he is a financially responsible person. He is not stopping me from getting one. He’s says by the beginning of next year he probably would be able to purchase a dog. He tries to make me happy. He wants me to have what I want. I don’t push him on anything. He is a generous man. He is a kind man it’s just not within his means right now. The adult Linda understands that but the immature Linda wants a dog now. I have a lot of emotional maturing to do. I could have been easier on him instead of making him feel bad that he could not do this for me. I feel awful about that.

It’s not just that I want this breed but I want and need a service dog. This will enable me to get out of the house more and stop being a hermit. I have high anxiety and PTSD. These dogs are trained to know what to do when I am anxious or having flashbacks.

 

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I have tried places that train your dog for free and it seems that military people are the ones that they cater to. If you have PTSD for childhood trauma or any other trauma it is very hard to get help in getting a trained dog. Believe me I tried and I tried many avenues on the internet only to become extremely frustrated and doubtful that it will ever happen for me. I even tried to set up a go-fund-me account and that did not work at all. I know some people who asked for the most foolish or selfish things and they got the money raised for it. I must be doing something wrong that I have no success. I have exhausted all that I can think of to get help with this.

Yes I could probably wait until next year when my husband might be able to help me but it is so frustrating to wait when I really need a service dog now to help move on with my life and to get out of the house in order to function better and achieve some valuable goals. Fear keeps me locked in my home. I know that there is a golden retriever out there for me and the means to train it to my needs.  I won’t give up hope on this long time dream.

I have to be more patient.

Linda

There is no perfect day

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Its Sunday! It’s not a perfect day, not even close. I can’t always identify why my mood takes a nose dive from one day to the next. I have an idea that it is because I am very frustrated. I know my therapist wants me to be ready and safe to work on the past. But my past has taken up so much of my life already. Sometimes it seems like in order to work on the past, my life has to stop. I want more than anything or almost more than anything to be past my past. I would love to wake up in the morning and strech and smile at the beautiful wide open day before me without pain. That’s not even close to realistic. But still, I want it. This world is in such a crazy mess and it just keeps getting worse. It’s not possible to have a perfect day but anything close to that would be fine. I am tired of waking up in the morning with this lost feeling. That’s the perfect way to describe how I feel right now, lost. Do I go back and work on the past or do I let it go and make the best of the rest of my life? Can I do that? Can I move on without the barriers that where built up over time to protect me? Is it possiable to go out into the wide open world with feeling completely safe? I want to get on with my life and do things differently but will my moods dictate the direction of my day, everyday? Is taking the time to work on the past and break those barriers that I built to protect myself but leave me locked out of life? It is reasonable to think that doing the therapy work (EMDR), can and will free me from bad habits and old ways of coping with distress. Can it free me from old beliefs about myself? Can I trust in this process and be patient enough to allow  myself  the needed time to process all that old trauma and all the behaviors and old beliefs that have messed up  my life? Can I be free from it? I know that not one of us can have a perfect life in such an imperfect world. But to be realistic, I just want to be happy and moving forward to carry out some dreams that I have had for a long time. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t want to fear every step I make. I don’t want to jump every time I hear a loud sound or experience the demonstration of some one elses anger. I don’t want to be afraid of people. I don’t want to be afraid of life as happens.

I have built up a lot of coping skills through decades of therapy. Sometimes I use them and sometimes I just get so frustrated and refuse to do the things that will make me feel better. I still have so much sadness and anger over the atrocities of my childhood and I know that I cannot just move on with my life until I figure out how to change old habits and behaviors based on how I was raised and based on what I went through as a child. It does not just go away. I know that it takes time to heal and but I have been waiting a long time. I have put great effort in therapy to be freed from these chains that hold me back from real living.I did not have a successful experience with the last therapist and  EMDR, (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), but I am willing to give it another try. But I am going to do my best to enjoy as much of my life as I am able even though I am doing this difficult therapy. Yes, it’s not easy. Its gut-busting work but it is my understanding that when I am though, I will be able to enjoy my life in a different way. I might be seeing life through new eyes and a new understanding of my place in this world and perhaps actually feel real untainted joy. I believe in my therapist and I believe in myself.

I can do it!

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Linda