So much for the pillow


I tried…I really tried to go to sleep in hopes of calming my anxiety and calming my fears. It did not work so well. I tossed and I turned and turned again to the point of waking my sleeping husband. That’s not right. He gets up really early in the morning. He drives through difficult traffic on his way to work.  He thought that this was an opportunity for him to take his chances on sex. Nope……….not happening either. I find it really hard to concentrate on my husband and sometimes I see my fathers face. That is very scary. But I feel selfish. It’s not fair to him. Our anniversary is coming up at the end of June. I want it to be special and of course sex is always a part of our celebration. That connection, for lack of a better term, is precious and has kept us happy for 38 years. I know my struggle will eventually end but its hard when I feel so deep into the trauma. I want the other side like it was yesterday. I get angry at myself for not working harder or faster or stronger or something. It’s frustrating to be patient and wait. My husband deserves the best that I can give him. I need the past to take a vacation for a while. I know it sounds silly but it’s entirely truthful.

So here I am back at my recliner and writing this post. It does feel good to write about how I am feeling. It gets it out of my head for a while.

I feel lost and heavy tonight.


This is where I’m at


This is where I wish to be at this very moment in time. The ocean has breath-taking sunsets to end the day in peace. Inner peace is what I want to feel on the inside and I want to feel the water hit my toes on the outside. How do I get inner peace and visualize a beach?

I have therapy tomorrow. Right now at this moment I wish I could push nightmares and flash backs away from my peaceful atmosphere. There is always a little anxiety before a session. It’s the, not knowing. I hate the not knowing, its scary. I seem to build up this anxiety from the night before. But can’t seem to understand why this is so stressful for me.

What can I do tonight to help the anxiety I will feel tomorrow? I am in a very comfortable recliner like the ones that you see at the movies. My cat, Max, as he is so affectionately called, is sitting below my feet. It seems to be his favorite spot at night when I am up late. He likes to be next to me. I am noticing the sound in the room. I am hearing the hum of the air-conditioner like white noise. I am willing myself to push away the anxiety. It works for a while but then I feel the heaviness in my gut. It’s telling me that I fear the conversation at therapy and the content of the session. I am not even there yet. My face has not even hit the pillow yet. No one knows where the conversation might lead. It might lead to a EMDR session. I don’t know.

I just keep telling myself that this is all part of the process of working through my traumatic past. I need to give myself a break and stop worrying  so much. It will unfold as it should. There is a direction, although I don’t like going there, that will free me from the past and see through new eyes the beauty of the future.


Unsung Hero’s


To you unsung hero’s,

I know who you are.

For I live with the same fears.

I sing the same song..

You want someone to hear

You want someone to know.

But the ones in the  light,

shadow over your show

It’s impossible to see.

It’s impossible to hear.

you long for your day in the light,

but know all to well,

that you continue in the night.

It’s not that no one hears.

It’s not that no one sees.

To the one who sees all,

You are the one so dear.

Lift your head high.

Reach out for your light

You unsung hero’s,

your song shines bright!




Maybe just maybe

I though that I was going to have to come up with the money for the puppy. It would take me quite some time coming up with the money and the things I will need for the puppy. It’s very expensive to get a pure breed golden retriever. I was talking to two of my daughters who just happen to live just down the street from me. My daughter, Amy, agreed to help me out with the expense. This morning, Amy texted me and said, “Jasmine and I will see if we can find one for you. I swear the little girl in me leaped higher than my ceiling. No joke we have low ceilings. But for the first time since all the stress over trying to figure out what to do, I felt relief and calmness come over me.

I have the best daughters in the world. I don’t know  what I did to deserve how special they are but I am forever grateful to have them in my life. All four of them.

Sometimes just a few carefully placed words have more power than ten pages of writing.

I will sleep well tonight.



Highly sensitive, Highly Creative



There are many challenges for people who are highly sensitive.

(1) Personality

(2) Emotional capacity and challenges

(3) The ability to thrive with High Sensitivity

(4) The ability to function well in social situations.

(5) The challenges that come with high creativity and using it to the full.

These are not just challenges of a highly sensitive person, or as some have put it, “a curse” but these are also gifts!

I don’t think that you could put a number on the gifts of highly sensitive people nor would you be able to put a number on the challages of highly sensitive people. Just like snowflakes we are all different and the gifts that come from one highly sensitive person may be different than another. There also may be varing degress much like autism has a full spectrum or degrees.

One thing is for certain and that is life is not always as easy for a person with high sensitiy but the gifts they have can be very rewarded to not only themselves but others who enjoy the results of these gifts.

One of the prominent advantages of high sensitivity is the richness of sensory detail that life provides.
The subtle shades of texture in clothing, and foods when cooking, the sounds of music or even traffic or people talking, fragrances and colors of nature.
All of these may be more intense for highly sensitive people.
Of course, people are not simply “sensitive” or “not sensitive” – like other qualities and traits, it’s a matter of degree.

The trait of high sensitivity also includes a strong tendency to be much more aware about life and aware of nuances in meaning, and to be more cautious about taking action, and to more carefully consider options and possible outcomes.
We also tend to be more aware of our inner emotional states, which can make for richer and more profound creative work as writers, musicians, actors or other artists.
A greater response to pain, discomfort, and physical experience can mean sensitive people have the potential, at least, to take better care of their health.
Psychologist Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, estimates about twenty percent of people are highly sensitive, and seventy percent of those are introverted, which is a trait that can also encourage creativity.
As examples, there are many actors who say they are shy, and director Kathryn Bigelow, who won an Academy Award, has said, “I’m kind of very shy by nature.”
The star of her movie The Hurt Locker, Jeremy Renner (who was reportedly shy as a child) has commented that “in social situations she can be painfully shy.”
High sensitivity to other people’s emotions can be a powerful asset for teachers, managers, therapists and others.
~ ~ ~
2) And, if you had to name five curses, what would they be? And how best do we overcome them or co-exist with them?
The biggest challenge in high sensitivity is probably being vulnerable to sensory or emotional overwhelm.
Taking in and processing so much information from both inner and outer worlds can be “too much” at times and result in more pain, fatigue, stress, anxiety and other reactions.
An intriguing neuroscience research study I came across that may explain some of this said people with nervous systems having decreased latent inhibition are more open to incoming stimuli. Which can be a good thing, or not so good.
Actor Amy Brenneman once commented, “I’m too sensitive to watch most of the reality shows. It’s so painful for me.”
That kind of pain or discomfort can mean we don’t choose to experience some things that might actually be fun or enriching. Though I don’t mean reality shows.
Another aspect of sensitivity can be reacting to the emotions – and perhaps thoughts – of others. Being in the vicinity of angry people, for example, can be more distressing.
We may need to “retreat” and emotionally “refresh” ourselves at times that are not always best for our goals or personal growth. For example, being at a professional development conference, it may not be the most helpful thing to leave a long presentation or workshop in order to recuperate from the emotional intensity of the crowd.
There can also be qualities of thinking or analyzing that lead to unhealthy perfectionism, or stressful responses to objects, people or situations that are “too much” or “wrong” for our sensitivities.
Living in a culture that devalues sensitivity and introversion as much as the U.S. means there are many pressures to be “normal” – meaning extraverted, sociable and outgoing.
Psychologist Ted Zeff, author of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide, points out that other cultures, such as Thailand, have different attitudes, with a strong appreciation of sensitive or introverted people.
Jenna Avery, a “life coach for sensitive souls,” counsels people to accept or even pursue being “out of sync” with mainstream society, and be aware of other’s judgments of people as too sensitive, too emotional, or too dramati
Certainly there are extremes of emotions that are considered mood disorders, for example, and should be dealt with as a health challenge.
But “too emotional” or “too sensitive” are usually criticisms based on majority behavior and standards.
Overall, I think being highly sensitive is a trait we can embrace and use to be more creative and aware. But it demands taking care to live strategically, even outside popular values, to avoid overwhelm so we can better nurture our abilities and creative talents.

Of course, being creative is not limited to people identified as artists, or just those who are pursuing creative ventures. Both creativity and being sensitive are on a spectrum – a range of different levels.
Psychologist Elaine Aron declares, “I know ALL HSPs are creative, by definition. Many have squashed their creativity because of their low self-esteem; many more had it squashed for them, before they could ever know about. But we all have it…One of the best ways to make life meaningful for an HSP is to use that creativity.”